This probably won’t sit well with most.
But I’m not really here to make sure things sit well with anyone, am I?
I told you I would be real, honest, and hopefully say the things that are on most of our minds but not one person speaks about. That’s the thing with living “behind the screen” – I can say what I want with all the bravery I wish I had when not “behind the screen”. An introvert such as myself needs time to process the correct words I desire to speak to communicate my point clearly and with all the emotion I feel.
It’s typically a lengthy and drawn out process but I digress.
Since we last spoke,
a ton has happened. I received a promotion at work which launched me into a career that I’ve been longing for. An answer to prayer to say the least! I have been busy with lots of extra hours at work and barely enough time to breath which is why it’s been so long since I’ve been able to share my nonsense with you. Plus…CHRISTMAS happened! And that’s all I need to say on that topic…am I right?! But it was a fun and joyful time of year.
During all the busyness of this I got to thinking…
I wasn’t feeling my relationship with God.
I felt distant.
When I went to our church at the time (which I thought was going to be our home church) I felt like my relationship had become “robotic”. I wasn’t digging it. And I can’t blame it fully on the church, it was a great place. I thoroughly enjoyed the activities. They had something for everyone and it was a great place to foster relationship with the church family, which is what I needed.
But I needed more.
I needed passion, fire, emotion. I wasn’t getting it there for some reason so my husband and I needed to make a choice. We couldn’t feel stale, stagnant, and unmoved.
So we tried something different.
While our new church isn’t perfect it does give me what I was looking for.
I feel passion for Christ when I am there, moved by worship and heated by the Holy Spirit (am I the only one who sweats when the Holy Spirit gets a hold of me?!?).
Maybe it’s because of this verse:
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our “God is a consuming fire.”- Hebrews 12:28
I weep at what God says to me as I’m giving my all to him. When he takes a hold of me and holds me tight until all I can do is break down.
This is what I desire in relationship with my God.
He is alive and real to me. I’ve felt close to him in my life. So close that I cry because HE amazes me.
So when I don’t feel that…I question what is going on and I make the changes necessary.
All of this to say…
I don’t desire religion.
Following a pattern just for the sake of saying “this is what we are supposed to do” doesn’t suit me well.
Don’t get me wrong, it used to. I used to make church a box I checked off during the week. But once I attended a church (the one we used to go to a year or more ago while at our old home) that moved me and challenged me to submit all of me to Him in worship, I never went back to the old me.
I desire relationship.
And my relationships aren’t bland. They are full of emotion, passion, heartache, joy, laughter, and challenges.
Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. -Song of Solomon 8:6
So, you can keep your religion.
And all that goes along with it.