This story started off very differently than you are reading now. See…just like with any “great miraculous Jesus came through like the white knight he is” story, there is always a back-story. And let me tell ya…the back-story for this little piece of gold is a DOOZY (and you don’t want to miss it!) This is not only a complete story of my insecurity in relationships but there is a remarkable revelation at the end.
But after some thought I believe that my husband deserves a post only about him without mingling in the hot mess that brought me to him (or him to me…however you choose to look at it). To give you an idea of what I was working with for this story to present itself as the miracle that it is, however, I will give you a short synopsis of past events (and how I portray them). I’m sure many can relate.
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INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS – A LOST CHILD
I have struggled with insecurity in relationships for as long as I can remember. A lost child – that’s what I was. Other words that could be used to describe my predicament: empty, lonely, needy, etc. I had many desires…or so it seemed at the time. They followed me around like a blanket; full of the promise to keep me warm but so full of holes that I constantly felt a cold chill (picture great grandmas afghan).
Looking back at the events of my life now I can see one large overshadowing desire; the need to be loved (along with secure and needed) .Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. -1 John 4:7 .Throughout my tween, teen, and all the way into adult years I drug around this holy and lying garment like a protective shield. It was a part of me. Problem was…the only thing it protected me from was the ability to experience pure and unadulterated joy.
INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS – CO-DEPENDENCY
When you there is insecurity in relationships there is usually co-dependency. That’s the term I can associate with all of my past relationships. If I felt someone needed me enough then they could never get rid of me. They could never leave. If I didn’t feel as though I was needed then I acted out. Once I was reassured (multiple times) that they wouldn’t leave me then our relationship returned to “stable” status once more.
I felt like a jealous, crazed lunatic most of time. I would constantly think the worse in every situation. If we were arguing then someone was definitely leaving. The thought of being left…again…sent me into a tailspin. My mind was filled with so many lies it was hard to determine what truth was anymore. This type of mentality took its toll. Relationship after relationship I was left unfulfilled and ultimately not wanted.
INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS – AS A BELIEVER
I had my faith. And, at the time, I thought I had a strong faith. But really I was just a little girl who still did not feel loved and looked for it in all the wrong places. I had a need to control others and do whatever it took to make them “love” me.
Here’s what I was missing… As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. John 15:9-11
The Darkness –
The one thing (and I’m sure there’s more than just the one) that set this massive miracle in motion was my divorce. Yep. Remember: And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. -Romans 8:28
Yea…my divorce struck a chord. It obviously didn’t bode well with me and I let everyone know it (you can read more about this on a later post…if you subscribe that is ;)). But at this point in my faith journey I knew God wouldn’t leave me hanging. He had a better plan. And I held onto that.
The Light –
As I recall…my specific prayer was: “God, I hate men. I mean really…I’ve been put through the ringer one too many times by the men I loved. I don’t know why this all happened to my girls and I but I do know you have a greater plan for us. You work for the good of those who love you. Lord, if I am to love again please send me someone who will love me for who I am. Who will never leave me. Who will be true to his word. Send me someone whom I can depend on and who is mature and has his priorities in order. Send me someone who loves you. (As you can see I was never to blame…smh…)
MOVING ON FROM INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS
As I was moving into my parents house after my divorce, my stepdad’s nephew was moving his ex out of his house just down the alley from us (timing…???) One day he comes down to talk to my parents and as I was in the other room I hear my lovely mother say “Stacey’s single…she thinks your cute.” (LIES…who is this guy anyway?!)
I had no interest in this guy. My life was a complete mess at this point and I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I don’t even recall if I had ever met him previously. All I knew was he was way older than me (haha) and I had enough junk going on I didn’t need to add to it!
The Dating –
I remember I was needing help sighting in my bow so I could get back into hunting again. My stepdad said to call this guy (his nephew…from the alley…LORD)and he will help. So I did and he did…help. When it appeared as though I could hit a target without hurting anyone in the process he offered to go help pick out some bow accessories I might need. So we went. A few days after that he called and asked me out on our very first date. And of course I said yes…because, after all, I was still carrying around my trusty, holy, and lying great-grandmother afghan that continued to remind me I needed to be needed to be whole (and all the rest of the lies I believed).
The Challenge –
That’s what he probably should have said when we got married (because getting there itself was a feat). Now…my husband has never been married before so this was all new to him. I obviously had been married previously but I still had no idea what an actual decent relationship looked like. And I know for a fact I was still dragging all the baggage of old relationships along with me.
The Bumps –
So…I did what any sane (“cough” “cough”) woman would do. Including putting him to the test, starting arguments, and throwing fits to see if he would leave me. You name it, I did it. After this went on maybe 2 years (yea, you heard me right) he asked the soul shattering question: Why are you always doing this? And somehow the reality came out of my mouth: I want to see if you are going to leave. Now, I didn’t know consciously this is why I was acting out. This is the very moment when it all just came together for me. “The light bulb went on” so to speak. I wanted proof that he would love me through it all. And he’s still here. And that is the moment I realized that I got exactly what I prayed for. I got the man who wouldn’t leave, who would love me for me, who would stick next to me during the difficult times, and who would be there for me no matter what.
GOD WORKS THINGS FOR OUR GOOD!
Don’t we all want that? Don’t we all want loyalty, to feel loved, to feel secure and to know we aren’t going to be alone? See, I still had damaging thoughts. Sure, I had the security of knowing that the man God sent me to be my husband was as loyal as they come. And…I was able to let my guard down and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. But…there was still a muddled mess of psyche to work through. I mean..I have spent most of my life having insecurity in relationships.
And I couldn’t do it alone (believe me…I’ve tried everything)! I had to find my fulfillment and fullness in God (which has taken years). And once I did the clouds cleared! No…things aren’t all better. However, now when one of those insecurities pops up I know it is of the sinful world we live in and I have the power to destroy it by speaking God’s word.
I Am Fearfully And Wonderfully Made –
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14. Everyday I have to recite this to myself. Know who’s you are and grow confident in knowing you are enough. And when times seem bleak, dark, and dreary. And you don’t know if you are going to make it out the other end of the tunnel. Try thinking this way: This is one heck of a battle I’m facing…that means there’s one heck of a victory at the end! And I can’t wait to see what God’s plan is. Let me know how you are using God’s word to defeat your insecurity!
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To help encourage you on your healing from insecurity journey – Check out the HOW TO STUDY THE BIBLE IN 5 EASY STEPS – and my personal story GRATITUDE – HOW TO LIVE A LIFE OF JOY – just a few ideas to get your year started off in the right direction.