
INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS – THE GIFT OF MY HUSBAND
Ā This story started off very differently than you are reading now. Seeā¦just like with any āgreat miraculous Jesus came through like the white knight he isā story, there is always a back-story. And let me tell yaā¦the back-story for this little piece of gold is a DOOZY (and you donāt want to miss it!) This is not only a complete story of my insecurityĀ in relationships but there is a remarkable revelation at the end.
But after some thought I believe that my husband deserves a post only about him without mingling in the hot mess that brought me to him (or him to meā¦however you choose to look at it). To give you an idea of what I was working with for this story to present itself as the miracle that it is, however, I will give you a short synopsis of past events (and how I portray them). Iām sure many can relate.

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INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS ā A LOST CHILD
I have struggled with insecurity in relationships for as long as I can remember. A lost child ā thatās what I was.Ā Other words that could be used to describe my predicament: empty, lonely, needy, etc. I had many desiresā¦or so it seemed at the time. They followed me around like a blanket; full of the promise to keep me warm but so full of holes that I constantly felt a cold chill (picture great grandmas afghan).
Looking back at the events of my life now I can see one large overshadowing desire; the need to be loved (along with secure and needed) .Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. -1 John 4:7 .Throughout my tween, teen, and all the way into adult years I drug around this holy and lying garment like a protective shield. It was a part of me. Problem wasā¦the only thing it protected me from was the ability to experience pure and unadulterated joy.
INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS ā CO-DEPENDENCY
When you there is insecurity in relationships there is usually co-dependency. Thatās the term I can associate with all of my past relationships. If I felt someone needed me enough then they could never get rid of me. They could never leave. If I didnāt feel as though I was needed then I acted out. Once I was reassured (multiple times) that they wouldnāt leave me then our relationship returned to āstableā status once more.
I felt like a jealous, crazed lunatic most of time. I would constantly think the worse in every situation. If we were arguing then someone was definitely leaving. The thought of being leftā¦againā¦sent me into a tailspin. My mind was filled with so many lies it was hard to determine what truth was anymore. This type of mentality took its toll. Relationship after relationship I was left unfulfilled and ultimately not wanted.
INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS ā AS A BELIEVER
I had my faith. And, at the time, I thought I had a strong faith. But really I was just a little girl who still did not feel loved and looked for it in all the wrong places. I had a need to control others and do whatever it took to make them āloveā me.
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The Darkness ā
The one thing (and Iām sure thereās more than just the one) that set this massive miracle in motion was my divorce. Yep. Remember: And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. -Romans 8:28
Yeaā¦my divorce struck a chord. It obviously didnāt bode well with me and I let everyone know it Ā (you can read more about this on a later postā¦if you subscribe that is ;)). But at this point in my faith journey I knew God wouldnāt leave me hanging. He had a better plan. And I held onto that.
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The Light ā
As I recallā¦my specific prayer was: āGod, I hate men. I mean reallyā¦Iāve been put through the ringer one too many times by the men I loved. I donāt know why this all happened to my girls and I but I do know you have a greater plan for us. You work for the good of those who love you. Lord, if I am to love again please send me someone who will love me for who I am. Who will never leave me. Who will be true to his word. Send me someone whom I can depend on and who is mature and has his priorities in order. Send me someone who loves you. (As you can see I was never to blameā¦smhā¦)
MOVING ON FROM INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIPS
As I was moving into my parents house after my divorce, my stepdadās nephew was moving his ex out of his house just down the alley from us (timingā¦???) One day he comes down to talk to my parents and as I was in the other room I hear my lovely mother say āStaceyās singleā¦she thinks your cute.ā (LIESā¦who is this guy anyway?!)
I had no interest in this guy. My life was a complete mess at this point and I didnāt know whether I was coming or going. I donāt even recall if I had ever met him previously. All I knew was he was way older than me (haha) and I had enough junk going on I didnāt need to add to it!
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The Dating ā
I remember I was needing help sighting in my bow so I could get back into hunting again. My stepdad said to call this guy (his nephewā¦from the alleyā¦LORD)and he will help. So I did and he didā¦help. When it appeared as though I could hit a target without hurting anyone in the process he offered to go help pick out some bow accessories I might need. So we went. A few days after that he called and asked me out on our very first date. And of course I said yesā¦because, after all, I was still carrying around my trusty, holy, and lying great-grandmother afghan that continued to remind me I needed to be needed to be whole (and all the rest of the lies I believed).
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The Challenge ā
Thatās what he probably should have said when we got married (because getting there itself was a feat). Nowā¦my husband has never been married before so this was all new to him. I obviously had been married previously but I still had no idea what an actual decent relationship looked like. And I know for a fact I was still draggingĀ all theĀ baggage of old relationships along with me.
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The Bumps ā
Soā¦I did what any sane (ācoughā ācoughā) woman would do. Including putting him to the test, starting arguments, and throwing fits to see if he would leave me. You name it, I did it. After this went on maybe 2 years (yea, you heard me right) he asked the soul shattering question: Why are you always doing this? And somehow the reality came out of my mouth: I want to see if you are going to leave. Now, I didnāt know consciously this is why I was acting out. This is the very moment when it all just came together for me. āThe light bulb went onā so to speak. I wanted proof that he would love me through it all. And heās still here. And that is the moment I realized that I got exactly what I prayed for. I got the man who wouldnāt leave, who would love me for me, who would stick next to me during the difficult times, and who would be there for me no matter what.
GOD WORKS THINGS FOR OUR GOOD!
Donāt we all want that? Donāt we all want loyalty, to feel loved, to feel secure and to know we arenāt going to be alone? See, I still had damaging thoughts. Sure, I had the security of knowing that the man God sent me to be my husband was as loyal as they come. Andā¦I was able to let my guard down and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. Butā¦there was still a muddled mess of psyche to work through. I mean..I have spent most of my life having insecurity in relationships.
And I couldnāt do it alone (believe meā¦Iāve tried everything)! I had to find my fulfillment and fullness in God (which has taken years). And once I did the clouds cleared! Noā¦things arenāt all better. However, now when one of those insecurities pops up I know it is of the sinful world we live in and I have the power toĀ destroy it by speaking Godās word.
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I Am Fearfully And Wonderfully Made ā
āI praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.ā ā Psalm 139:14. Everyday I have to recite this to myself. Know whoās you are and grow confident in knowing you are enough. And when times seem bleak, dark, and dreary. And you donāt know if you are going to make it out the other end of the tunnel. Try thinking this way: This is one heck of a battle Iām facingā¦that means thereās one heck of a victory at the end! And I canāt wait to see what Godās plan is. Let me know how you are using Godās word to defeat your insecurity!
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To help encourage you on your healing from insecurityĀ journey ā Check out the HOW TO STUDY THE BIBLE IN 5 EASY STEPS ā and my personal story Ā GRATITUDE ā HOW TO LIVE A LIFE OF JOY āĀ just a few ideas to get your year started off in the right direction.
8 Comments
Janice
I absolutely love this blog post! <3
I am a recently divorced believer and it was like you took the words right out of my heart and put them to writing.
"Lord, if I am to love again please send me someone who will love me for who I am. Who will never leave me. Who will be true to his word. Send me someone whom I can depend on and who is mature and has his priorities in order. Send me someone who loves you."
Beautiful prayer and exactly my heart's desire!
smason
Janice,
I am so glad you enjoyed it. Divorce is definitely a rough thing. And I do know everyone’s story is different but the pain and hurt I think are all pretty close. It’s unfortunate that this situation is so prevalent in society…but satan is still alive and running around so it will happen. Thank you for continuing to read and comment! It warms my heart!
Donna Miller
I love your transparency. I spent many years feeling exactly what you were feeling. The orphan spirit is a painful way to live until the Lord breaks through to us about how much we are loved and wanted. Thank you for this sweet post Stacey! You are sweet … ā¤
Stacey
Thanks for reading and for your constant encouragement Donna!
Shanique |Rock Solid Faith
Thanks for being so open!. Its funny how it often takes a third party to help us realize that God is actually answering the burning desires of our hearts.
Stacey
Yes! Very true!
Ann | Fruitful Creativities
Thank you for sharing such an open and honest post with us. I’ve never divorced, but I can relate to the terrible relationships. After my last terrible relationship, I actually said aloud I’d stay alone for the rest of my life. It just wasn’t worth it. Then a few months later, I met my now husband. Funnily enough, I wasn’t even Christian then and yet God was already looking after me. What a God we have! So happy to hear that He’s given you a true love too. <3
Stacey
Ann – Thank you for your comment. I feel like so many go through this same thought process. Being in close relationship with anyone can hurt us. People are human. They are bound to let us down. But God….