Long time it has been. There’s a perfectly good explanation, I promise.
Want to delve deeper with me?
Find out what has been going on and why I’ve been MIA?
Of course you do…I mean…who wouldn’t!
Disclaimer: This post will be full of ramblings and probably a hot mess.
I’m OK with it.
First things first. Buying, selling, moving.
We listed our home in hopes of it selling in the summer that way kids were out of school and schedules were less hectic. Have you ever heard that God’s timing is not our timing? He’s one funny guy because our house sold in two days! (insert panic face here) The quickness of it all was a blessing. Many people cannot sell their homes at all let alone in a mere two days. This confirmed one major thing for us. That this move was God’s will.
However, while this was God’s will, we still did not have a home to move into upon the sale of our current home. So the “search, offer, search, offer” madness ensued. The real estate market has been crazy lately. Even full price offers went unaccepted. We prayed and continued searching. But deep down I knew, and maybe it’s because he’s never failed me before, that God would make everything work out.
Faith in the midst…
It would be a lie if I said I didn’t worry the whole time through this process though. Yes, I had faith that things would work out. But that doesn’t mean I’m not human. I still crunched numbers, made budget spreadsheets, moved money from one spot to the next, and I PRAYED.
There is this prayer journal that I use. I love it because I can go back and see that in February I started praying about all of this “house nonsense” and in April you can see where things just worked out.
What you don’t see is the tears that stain those pages, the sleepless nights, the words that were shouted and cannot be returned to the mouths that said them. Irritability ran rampant at this time that is for sure.
One thing that I haven’t shared yet, and will probably do a longer post down the road on the topic, is that I have been struggling with an eating disorder.
For sometime now I have had a few different eating disorders that I have been struggling through and trying to overcome. Lot’s of prayers, feelings of defeat, feelings of weakness have taken up most of my life when it comes to my eating habits (so in that sense it’s nothing new). But the most recent disorder I have been battling is binging. I feel like I have this sin of gluttony overshadowing me and therefore I can’t pour life into others because I am “stained”. While ultimately I know this is untrue it doesn’t stop me from all the self-doubt.
I’ve hired professionals to help but that just ended up making things worse. I’m doing much better now and will post later on what has been working and what hasn’t in hopes to help others going through the same thing. (maybe a blessing from my brokenness?)
Amidst all of this (the eating disorder, moving, switching kids schools, etc.) our beloved feline took a turn for the worse. Shortly after the move she started peeing all over the house. I thought it was a behavioral issue but when I took her to the vet they informed me she was in-fact in renal failure. It seems like it just suddenly came on. She has always been the most feisty and fun cat so I never thought this could happen to her. Naive much?
The vet did explain that there were things I could do so I did them. I even learned how to give an IV under the skin to help flush her kidneys and keep her hydrated.
As of last week it wasn’t enough.
We all miss you so much, sweet girl.
Our everyday ordinary.
Besides all of the extras going on we still had two girls in soccer, our oldest gave birth to our very first grand baby, the husband had to have eye surgery, I had to be out-of-town a few days for work, we had a few awards banquets to attend, I am still a girl scout leader and treasurer for our service unit, and we both still had our full-time day jobs.
Now, I know that all of this is really good stuff….mostly!
I’m not complaining or trying to compare lists here. I just want you to see where I was at the last few months.
What I learned and WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW.
I don’t think I have ever been more thankful of God’s love than I was during this time.
To explain, there were some things I said and did that I would never want to repeat again in my life…EVER AGAIN!
And there was a point where I stopped in the midst of whatever crazy was going on and would just cry and feel like a failure. Like I failed God and that he shouldn’t love someone like me. Like I failed my family.
I fell into some old patterns and ways (which I blame on all the stuff going on) and I’m not proud of it.
It got very dark.
But God never let me go! I moved from him. It was me who stepped away and put him on the back burner because I was so busy. But that wasn’t where I was stopping.
You see…I could have fallen into the pit and stayed there a while. I could have felt sorry for myself.
What stopped me?
I knew the truth!
What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:31-39
God needs to be my top priority.
God needs to be first in my life in order for everything else to fall into place.
I have a relationship with a loving father who will always have his arms open wide to me.
And I can do nothing to change that.