It was something I never thought I would go through.
I mean…why me? The person who is completely against this sort of thing. The person who firmly believes in the promise and vow made in the beginning.
Why me and my kids? Why us?
It’s such an ugly word isn’t it? It’s an even uglier situation! I’m going to try to explain the emotion as best as possible but in reality no words can do justice to living the nightmare first hand.
I knew we had huge amounts of issues. Issues I believed we could get past. But in 6 short years I was told that there is nothing that could help us. That “us” would no longer be.
Confusion, anger, hurt, embarrassment….were a few emotions I felt.
I felt like everyone was staring at me. Like I wore this big scarlet letter on my forehead. (Cliche I know…but truth remember).
Were the past 6 years of my life a lie? Was this all just a big joke?
I said so many things during this time. My mouth was spewing all over the place and sometimes not making any sense. I just let it all come out. No holding back. I let the pain flow out of me like a broken spigot (and I’m sure I looked like an idiot). Yea…not so graceful in the moment.
I will never believe in another human being again.
My oldest was still in Michigan with her father (one of the best things about moving back home).
My 4-year old was with us and thankfully spent most of the time with her friends across the street as her dad and I got our “affairs in order”.
I packed up EVERYTHING we owned. I left all pictures of him and I, all our wedding photos, and all memorabilia that stood to remind me of the lie I was living (which I later regretted because the girls wanted them).
And I headed home, in a U-Haul, with a fish in a bowl as my companion. (along with my ex following me (the audacity to even help me start my new life) with our daughter and 2 dogs (the cat would follow later)).
The next year was bumpy to say the least.
I moved in with my parents. Put all my stuff in storage. Got Olivia into a school. And started looking for a job. Now,to put this in perspective I should say I was a stay-at-home mom before this incident for about 2 years straight. The gap in employment was a challenge to overcome. But things worked out (all glory to God) and I was soon able to feel life beginning to move forward.
Do you know how hard it is to go through many years with a companion and suddenly not have one? For sure I’m not the only one who has felt this.
I felt alone all the time. Lost. Out of what I know now as an issue with co-dependency, I desired to have someone love me. To fill this gap that was left in me. The gap that really has been there since I was a young girl. All this from saying “I’ll never believe in another human being again” just proves the emotions were all crazy inside of me.
But…God’s love for me prevailed always and he sparked hope once again.
My specific prayer…
Went something like this “God, I hate men. I mean really…I’ve been put through the ringer one too many times by the men I have loved. I know a lot of this I even have brought upon myself. And yes, I pull the “pity-party” card and say I don’t know why this all happened to my girls and I but I do know you have a greater plan for us. You work for the good of those who love you. Lord, if I am to love again please send me someone who will love me for who I am. Who will never leave me. Who will be true to his word. Send me someone whom I can depend on and who is mature and has his priorities in order. Send me someone who loves you.”
(This shows my Christian immaturity as I should have been asking God to build me and help my dependency and need for fulfillment to be put on him).
To be noted:
While I was moving into my parents, just down the alley my stepdads nephew was moving his ex out of his house. This will come into play later…when this story continues…
I know this is confusing…
but let me jump back a quick, hot second.
I cannot say my ex was all to blame. Sure, there are things I know to be true of him that I wouldn’t have been able to overcome (or see past really) but man was I supremely FULL TO THE BRINK of all my own issues.
Not only the co-dependency issue as mentioned above that came along with unrealistic expectations that no human could ever fulfill, but also the fact that I didn’t see myself as the sinful being I was. I held myself on a stinkin’ pedestal all while feeling empty. Insecurity anyone?
It took me years to realize my faults and failures but God brought them forth for me. (yea…that was fun…NOT).
And it’s only made my relationship with my now husband that much stronger.
Which brings me to where my specific prayer left off…
This would be a good time to read about The gift of my husband – here to see how God thoroughly and miraculously answered my prayer. How, once again, MY GOD PREVAILED even through the bad.
Here’s the thing:
Do you feel any of these things mentioned above? Lonely, broken, embarrassed, lost, confused, hurt?
You, my dear, ARE NOT alone!
We all feel these things throughout life. Sometimes multiple times over!
You aren’t the only one who has gone through this…and by golly the person before you wasn’t the last one to come out the other side of a divorce either.
I want you to remember these promises:
God is with you always –
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. -Deuteronomy 31:8
God will heal you –
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3
God will release your shame –
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. -1 John 1:9
God will find you and save you –
For the Son of Man came to seek and save the lost. – Luke 19:10
Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep’. – Luke 15:4-6
God will ease your confusion –
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. – Psalm 16:11
God will use your hurt –
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. – Romans 5:3
You are not alone in this. God is with you and so are all those who have gone through this battle in their life.
I pray Lord, that you would heal the hurting hearts reading this today. Wrap your loving arms around each individual and draw them close to you. Open their heart to hear your small whispers, Lord. Make them obedient to your leading and give them a hope that we know is only found in you. Take their pain and turn it into their triumph and your victory, Lord. Bring about clarity to their minds and bring them peace in their storm, Father, because they know you are in control and you will work for the good of those who love you.
In Jesus name, AMEN!