The memory that won’t fade.

*Beginning Note: This has been one of the toughest stories to share…EVER! But I knew that it needed to be shared in hopes of helping someone else who may be facing this same situation or one like it. Or for someone who may not know what to believe anymore. Thanks for reading.

It’s not always on my mind but there are times when the images appear as if it all happened yesterday. Since it is a topic more discussed recently within politics it seems the images are with me daily. No matter what I do, I can’t run away from them. Not that I try – as it seems that sometimes I feel I deserve to punish myself for the choice I made on that day long ago. A choice I will never be able to reverse. I can’t go into a ton of detail as it’s not only my story to share. However, I can tell you that I was not old enough (nor wise enough) to be making the type of decision I made that day.

There are plenty of various reason’s why people make the choice to end another human’s life. I cannot even begin to understand most of those reasons. I made the choice long ago to end the life that was growing inside of me. My reasoning, when I look at it now, was purely selfish. I didn’t want my life to change. I was too young. I didn’t know if I wanted children or not but I knew I didn’t want them at that time. I was still just a child myself.

Looking back now I feel like such a fool.

I was a child doing acts that a child has no sense to be doing to put myself into a predicament that no child should be in. I feel like I lived (and continue to live) in a world where we could simply escape our consequences. And it didn’t matter who’s life ended in the process. Can I tell you that there is a street in an unnamed city that I cannot drive past without it haunting me? Can I tell you that I look at my girls and think of how I have robbed them of a sibling they could have had? Can I tell you that I still deal with the shame and guilt even when I have since given my life over to Christ? It’s a battle I will fight for the rest of my life….and somehow I feel like I deserve it.

I do know there are a lot of women who get abortions because of this same reason. And I do know there are a lot of women who get abortions for various other reasons. I also know that God can bring about joy, glory, love, and victory from every single situation….if we trust him to do just that.

God can and will move.

Let’s take a look at the story of Joseph, for instance. He was sold into slavery by his very own brothers. From there he sold to the captain of Pharaohs guard. He is put into prison in Egypt. There he interprets a few dreams of some fellow prisoners. Some time passes, Pharaoh has a dream, and Joseph is called upon for interpretation. Finally Pharaoh recognizes God’s presence in and around Joseph and thus promotes him to Chief Administrator of Egypt. From slavery to this? How? God.

What about Daniels story? Or Esthers story? Or Ruth’s story? Or Jonah’s story? All of these stories shine the same light. God is all powerful. He can bring greatness from heaps and scraps of the worst situations. I know you doubt. I did too for a very long time. But since then I have been a witness to God moving in so many unthinkable ways. Thus – I can no longer doubt what he is capable of.

If I knew then what I know now.

If I knew then what I know now I would have made a very different decision. I firmly believe that it is because of God that babies are born into this world. If he didn’t want a baby born then he would see to it that a woman would not get pregnant. Every child is given to us by God himself. Even out of the worst situations possible. Why? Because God is a redeemer! He redeems the godless with God size miracles. And he does this through the most unlikely people and situations (which I know there are some very very dark situations people go through – but God is not limited…he is limitless).

He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

Job 1:21

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you.

Isaiah 44:22

I understand many don’t see it this way.

I know better than to insert my opinions to cause more chaos in a world that will only understand what it wants to understand. Therefore, I will only insert what I think is best: personal experience. I can honestly say I’ve been there. I have gotten an abortion and I am not proud of it. And…I cannot change it no matter how much I wish I could. No matter how much it haunts me and always will. I can also share that if a woman who was raped would have aborted her baby then our family would look very different (another story I cannot not expound on as it is not mine to share).

I leave you with this:

Abortion is a tough subject to talk about but it is real and very prevalent. There are many opinions, emotions, and stories being shared that facts can become clouded. If you are wondering what the facts are I urge you to go to the one who created all things. Run to God and ask him for the answers. He created this world. He created us. And he creates the little babies that grow in their mommies womb’s. Go to him. Seek his wise counsel. And never ever doubt that he can bring about victory from the most broken of places.

As always – thank you for reading and letting me be real with you through this journey we call “life”. And thank you for understanding that I can’t share full testimonials for the respect and protection of others involved.

****If you or someone you know is facing the life altering decision of getting an abortion or not please seek professional counsel. There are many other options available that don’t require you to end someone else’s life. Make a decision that you will feel good about 10 years down the road. I am also always available to lend an ear and assist in getting you the help you need.


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